Tainted love

Once I ran to you 

Now I'll run from you
This tainted love you've given
I give you all a boy could give you
Take my tears and that's not nearly all... 

It's been, what, 20 years since we first met? I think maybe even a year or two more. I was just a kid, it was all so new to me. It started like a joke, like a dare, if I recall correctly. 

And you? Well, you knew exactly what you want. And how to get it. What chance have I really had?

I remember that it wasn't even that good at the beginning. In fact, the first couple of times were horrible. You consumed me so violently that I didn't even know what hit me. So why the hell I didn't let you go right away? For the life of me, I can't remember... 

But somehow you managed to crawl under my skin, like you always knew you would. And just like that, I became your slave, without even realizing it. That's your modus operandi, I should knew better. But, like I said, I was just a kid. 

And I didn't mind the fact that no one in my family would approve this relationship, and that we always had to hide. I didn't mind taking the bus to the completely opposite part of town just to be with you for a couple of minutes. I didn't even mind the fact that I had to share you with my friends at the very beginning. Nor when a couple of teachers saw us together near the school. They tried to warn me. They told me that you're bad for me, that we have no future (at least not a good one), but I wouldn't listen. That's how much I wanted you! 

So the years went by and you became my an inseparable part of me. I was never without you, and everybody around us had to make peace with that. We were one, and I couldn't imagine my life without you. Even when I found out how poisonous and dangerous you can be. Those couple of times I've tried to leave you never lasted more than a couple of weeks. And after each and every one of them, I ended up wanting you more. So after a while I stopped trying. I made my piece with the fact that we'll be together until the death liberates us. And, I some twisted way, I was happy with it. 

That's when I really started to love you. You were my best friend, my lover, my psychotherapist... I turned to you when I wanted to calm down or psych up. When I couldn't sleep or when I didn't want to go to sleep. When I needed a friend and there was no one else around. You were always near. 

And you knew me better then everyone ever will. All my flaws, all my virtues. The darkest places in my mind. Sometimes I think you know me better than I do. In fact, I'm certain you do. 

Of course, I was always there for you too. When the times were tough, I could go days without eating but not a single one without you. I always put you first. I even stopped visiting my friends who wouldn't allow you in. That's how much I loved you! 

But, to tell you the truth, I loved you the most when we were having threesomes with your cousin Mary Jane. That is probably what I'll miss the most.

Because, at the time, not only that I couldn't let you go, I never really wanted to. And I thought I never will. To be more precise, I was sure I never would. 

So what changed? I don't really know. It's not that I stopped loving, nor wanting you. It's not that I found out something bad about you that I didn't already knew. It was just something inside of me that changed and said that it's time to let you go. 

Cause people change, you know. They evolve, they grow up, they grow old, they grow apart, they grow in every possible way. And that's a good thing. Because there's no better time to move on, then when something in the very core of you (something you couldn't possibly understand) tells you to do it. 

So I took you to that bench only we knew and I took you for the very last time. I think it was the first time I was actually consuming you. So I consumed you slowly, I took my time. I wanted to savor every flavor you had, but more importantly, I wanted to savor this moment of power I (finally) had over you. I enjoyed every breath all the way to the bitter end. Then, when I was leaving, I threw what's left of you in the sewage. And I never looked back... 

Sure, it wasn't easy to forget you and all the great moments we had. I knew it would take time to get you out of my system. I dreamt about you for months, I was so jealous when I saw you with other people. So nostalgic every time I smelled your bittersweet perfume on someone else...

But now I'm cured. Because it's no longer bittersweet, it's just bitter and distant.

And now, after a year, I can finally say that I'm free...